Yesterday was extra hard. It was my birthday and it just kinda made me realize what a shit show this whole thing is even more. I just lost it yesterday. I woke up trying to be in a good mood, then mom said something and it kinda set me off. I spent half the day in bed crying and listening to music.
It just is shitty. I kept thinking about what my alternatives were to this very situation: birthday in Barbados with mama, a trip to Mexico to see whale sharks or on a boat in the middle of the Atlantic. Those were all my viable plans. Instead, I spent it indoors, in my house with my mom. She tried really hard to make it better, and it almost worked. But I just couldn’t snap out of it. I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I am a failure for being in this situation.
Mind you, this situation is completely out of my control and even if I had a field job in international development chances are I would still be out of a job. I still would have chosen to come home to keep mom company and help out. I think what is making my mental health worse is the fact that I can’t go out on nice walks anymore. I can’t move very much because of my foot. So it makes it a bit worse. I am still trying to do some low key. Exercises to get my blood moving and feel a bit better about my ever expanding waistband. But still. This sucks, and I just wish no one was in this situation.
After a wonderful dinner a few friends called. Then Sacha planned a surprise birthday party for me. It was really nice and it lifted my spirits. I felt like an idiot for crying. But it’s overwhelming the whole situation. And it is shitty that I had plans and options and they were just taken away from me. This whole situation is overwhelming.
Afterwards the family called and they sang happy birthday and we cut the cake. The later bit of the day was much better. I felt loved even though it was through a screen. It was still nice to see people and get to chat with some people who were ages away. Either that or the couple bottles of wine mom and I finished off. Either way, I am really happy the people I love came to my rescue when I needed them most. It made it much better.
Finally allowing myself to acknowledge the situation and my new reality. I wanted to go to the beach yesterday, more than anything, but obviously I could not do that. So the ban is lifted on May 4, hopefully mom and I can finally walk along the ocean and get some fresh air. Hopefully my foot will feel better and i’ll be able to walk and maybe even run. It’ll be great. I think for now I have to focus on the small, little goals that are achievable. Like finishing my book. Little things that I can control. Not get hung up on the overall picture, and mentions of social distancing for the next few months and maybe years.
Anyway, this morning I woke up grateful to all the people in my life. To my mom for trying so hard. And to be lucky enough to have a home and a wonderful and supportive family. It’s good to focus on the positive. And sometimes it is hard, and you can’t always do it. But hopefully it will be at the core so you can always circle back to that perspective. I also woke up hungover and with the very happy knowledge that I have nothing to do today!