May 11, 2020

Today I went to the dentist again. She made me put on shoe covers, cleaned my hands and put gloves on top. She made me do a mouth wash for about a minute and put my bag down on a PPE sheet. She keeps saying dentists are the most at risk and she refuses to take any risks. She wears about 3 layers of PPE covering and two masks and a plastic mask. It’s a lot. It’s spooky looking and with the heat waving coming this next week I am not sure how she is going to survive. She said she’s had patients get annoyed at her for her precautionary measures. I don’t get that. Why would you be annoyed at someone for just trying to stay safe. She has an older mother she’s trying to protect.

Today mom and I are going to celebrate mothers day. We wanted to wait till it wasn’t a sunny weekend day. So we went for a walk, I made her some dinner and we got to hang out. It’s so weird celebrating anything in quarantine. I like to go out and get dinner and have some wine and celebrate. But not anymore, we still had loads of fun, but it was just a different fun. Our lives and our customs are changing. Maybe not forever, but definitely for now. Things are adapting to our new reality. Hopefully a reality which will be better for the world.

I am not sure it will be though. We drastically changed our ways, but everyone is eager to get back to the old way. To travel. To use capitalism to their advantage. To keep living in a rat race which has been detrimental to mother earth. I have felt a lot of pressure to find a job recently. Organizations are posting job openings, I am not sure if they are waiting till post-corona/world opening up to hire, but I am trying to stay on top of it. It’s a bit stressful and only having this as my “to-do” list makes me feel like I need to constantly put my all in it. I think I am taking it a little too seriously. Maybe I am just trying to create some sort of routine to adjust into this lifestyle. Which is new to me – being unemployed, being at home, being forced to be non-social. It is all so new. So maybe I am putting a ton of pressure on myself to return to my own normal – employed, independent and busy. Is that so wrong? Is that so bad? 

I don’t know. I have always felt a cultural conflict. In the USA they tell you to always be busy, active and productive. If a second is taken to do nothing, you’re wasting it. In Greece they tell you to slow down, enjoy people’s company and the environment. I think I fall somewhere in between. I like to be busy, and I like to be around people. But I also enjoy taking a second for myself and reflecting on what is happening. So now, I am at a weird place. Nothing to do really, but try and get a job. I think I need a goal to get through this situation. Something to work for. I think I am adding a lot of pressure on myself. I definitely am. I get stressed about this. Who gets stressed when they have no responsibilities? I can’t help but feel like a failure. Almost everyone I know still has a job who isn’t working in tourism. That being said, I was working in tourism and need to accept there won’t be a job for a while. So time to fall back on my degrees and start doing some other kind of good!

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